ALBANIA STRIKES BACK!

I am writing from the cushioned comfort of 1^st class on a French train from Annecy, France to Lyon. It’s taken me a few days to put together my thoughts on Albania in a level minded way after our experience there, but here goes:

 I never ever ever ever ever need to go back to Albania. Harsh but true….

 Albania was under communist rule from the 40’s through the 90’s, and then had a civil war, so the country is just beginning to get its legs.  Case in point, finding a telephone that works is a little like trying to find the abominable snowman. You keep hearing about it, but when you get there, no such luck. My friend Ben got very sick, and ended up staying an extra night in one city, while we traveled to the next for a show. When I called the hotel, which was a kind of expensive “business” hotel, I found out that they couldn’t connect the outside call to the room, so they had to have my incredibly sick friend come down to the front desk so I could make sure he was still breathing. Ridiculous. 

 I like Fish. I consider seafood to be one of my favorite meals, yet, when offered nothing but a variety of whole fried fish for 3 meals in a row, I was ready for White Castle. And then to top it off, we all started to get sick, one by one, dropping like large American flies. Everyone ended up catching a brief version of what I will call, “The Albanian Plague” except for Chris (who found out while he was there that he is probably descended from Albanians, and Mickey – who never ate any fish. …

Traveling around was also kind of scary. They are just now starting to build roads, and the rules of driving seem to be that, well, there are no rules for driving. According to one guy, the “law” says you have to be 18, but many 11 and 12 year olds drive on a regular basis.  Sorry, what? 11 year old behind the wheel of a car?  Makes you long for the suburbs when those Mature 15 year olds are sneaking out minus their guardian when they only have a learner’s permit.  There were police all over with what were apparently radar guns from the 1950’s, but I never once saw them pull someone over, and we passed them at 120 mph at least 5 times. And when you are barreling down a freeway full of Mercedes (did I mention everyone drives Mercedes? Seriously. 7 out of 10 cars were Mercedes) the last thing you want is someone crossing the freeway on foot. Which happens about every 4 minutes. On a positive note, there is a chain of gas stations called KASTRATI.

The people were wonderful, they were fascinated with the US, helpful, and the women were very easy on the eyes. But as one of my friends put it, often times, you really have to talk to someone like they’re 6 years old if you want to get something done. It’s odd. 

Finally, the worst thing about many of the merchants we dealt with, was that they smell Americans and they salivate dollars. So, if you are even at all trying to be on a budget, count on the fact that some might try to overcharge you like crazy. We stayed in one hotel that can only be described as an extremely dilapidated fixer upper, which may or may not have had a brothel downstairs, and which our Albanian guide called a “5 euro” hotel. And yet they were charging us 30 euros each. But at least the towels were made of sandpaper. I had never experienced drying off and exfoliation simultaneously before. Pain. On a plus note, at the top of the stairs was a gi-normous poster of a scantily clad Carmen Electra greeting us when we came home. Thank goodness for small blessings.

Our Desk Clerk the first and last nights, Festim, was amazing – his English was probably better than mine, and he was engaging and told us a colorful tale of life in the last 20 years there. I hope for the sake of the Albanian people that they can find a way to put Festim in charge of EVERYTHING.  Festim for President. Case in point, he was better versed on the policies of Obama and McCain than I am, and he lives in Durres, Albania.

Heck, forget Albania, Festim in 2012! Remember, my blog can whup your blog.

 

PS – Alitalia is the WORST AIRLINE EVER. Don’t even get me started on the scam they pulled on us in Rome. I hereby add Alitalia to my official s#%* list, and be warned, if I see Alitalia on the street, we're talking fisticuffs....

(Continental to Europe also really sucks, minus the bilking you for thousands of dollars part)…